I think it's about time that I come clean about how I'm feeling these days. Not good and not happy. I have a handful of issues that have kept my spirits down. Not so much as to where I couldn't mask it with a smile and my optimism about life, but lately it's all become so frustrating to me that my optimism has shrunk down to a "maybe" and now my "who knows" will soon become "who cares". Where has my optimism gone? Well let me explain what I have to look forward to.

I'm gaining weight. With all this fat I'm growing, my confidence is fading fast in some areas. So you say, "Eat better!" Well I say, "Buy me some better food, because I can't afford to." So you say, "Work out!" Well there's a catch. My left shoulder was severely injured a few years before I broke my back. I could barely move or lift it for a few months. So you say, "Why didn't you get surgery?" Well there's a catch there too. When you're self employed with a small business, the likelihood of having medical insurance is next to none. So I just dealt with it from then on. I would aggravate my shoulder now and then, but it would always feel better after a few weeks. I could only ever make certain movements at the risk of hurting it all over again. So now that I'm wheelchair bound, I can't work out to loose weight, because if I push myself enough to actually get some cardio, I aggravate it all over again and then I can barely transfer myself for a few days. I can't get my shoulder fixed because I don't have insurance. Even if I did have it, my doctor can't fathom for a second that I could have injured my shoulder in the manner that I claim and not have gotten it fixed.

I am taking three antidepressants that are prescribed to me for my nerve pain. I hate being dependant on medications. I never wake up feeling rested. I wake up with a serious case of medicine head and I feel like I have not slept at all. I can't think straight some days. I forget things. I hate it because I know it shows especially when I stutter or can't talk straight. I want my girls to look up to me, not to think I'm stupid. I can cut back on them so I feel more coherent, but then I can barely hide the pain if I do so. Have you ever been burned on a stove or something similar? Well, try to imagine being burnt alive from the inside out. Some days, I just want to scream and cry out for help, but I know there is nothing that can be done other than going back on Oxycontin and I don't want that again. Even if my doctor would prescribe that for me, I can't stand the thought of feeling drunk and/or stoned all day every day again. I do take Hydrocodones often twice a day when my nerve pain is too much for me to endure, but they also take away my shoulder pain and then I don't realize when I'm pushing it too far.

Since I've been taking medications, I've developed sleep apnea and I know it's a result of taking them. This whole dependency on my medications has pushed me beyond frustration. I take one of them once a day in the morning and it puts me to sleep. I'd take them at night, but then I hurt all day. I tossed and turned all through the night last night. I have to fight to breathe properly so I can fall asleep without waking myself up with a snort as soon as my throat relaxes. Then as soon as I took my morning medications, I fell asleep. So then of course, I woke up at 3PM! Now my whole sleeping schedule is messed up yet again.

I most certainly do love this apartment, but I'm stuck in here. I want to buy a car eventually, but even if I had a car I couldn't afford the insurance or the gas to drive it and if it broke down, how could I possibly fix it? I could go ride the bus when there's no snow, but where would I go? Honestly, I quite often feel like I'm in solitary confinement serving a life term in prison. If it wasn't for my two wonderful girls, I would absolutely not last long.

So what does this all mean? Do I just keep getting fatter? Am I being forced to sit and do nothing? While sitting practically motionless everyday, isn't that asking for serious medical issues in the future? How long can I physically and spiritually survive like this?

_______________________________

See the pain in my eyes
see the scars deep inside
My God I'm down in this hole again

With the laughter I smile
with the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road called life

-- Robert Flynn --

_______________________________

To clarify this situation:

First off, thanks so much to all of the support I have received on this blog.  After numerous emails, I thought I should make it clear that while I am extremely frustrated with life and find myself pretty down sometimes, I would never take any action to hurt myself or worse.  I have way too much to live for, so don't worry about that.  I'm not going anywhere.  "Not yet!" - Djimon Hounsou - From the movie Gladiator  I say that all the time and laugh, but nobody gets it.  Then I laugh again.

Hi Jacob,

Holidays are the hardest times of the year for people who are alone.  

Today, Scott and I went to ECT for lunch.  Four of my colleagues I used to have "girls night out" with were eating lunch there.  I'm the one who chose not to go out with them because I feel they betrayed me, but I sure felt alone.  I really don't have any real "friends" in the coulee. 

But I cannot even begin to understand what life would be like without Scott.

So, I hope that you continue your belief in your girls because no matter what, they need their dad.  You will be an inspiration to them, as you are to Ashlyn now.  I know that Allison is much more comfortable with the situation.  What a big step for her to say, "Dad, I'm going to leave these puzzles here for us to do together again."  That says a lot.  That shows she needs  you in her life.

And I see you and feel so much emotion.  My little Cubber.  I just pray every day you will remember how important your spirit is to the world, to your girls, to me.  

I don't know what else to say, except that the world is a better place because you are in it.  And, what is it you will do today and tomorrow to continue making the world a better place?  Is it your guidance to the girls and then what they pass on?  Is it a smile to a stranger, or advice and help to a neighbor?  You just don't know how much of an effect you have on others.

I love you, Jake.  Be here now.  Make peace with the world.

Love,  Mom

Jake ~

Hi Babe!! I wish I had known you've been going through all of this. I knew about the issues a couple of months ago, but not the depth of your depression/pain (both physical and mental), nor that it was continuing or worsening.

There is no magic cure I can offer you, nothing to simply make it all better. For what it's worth though I can tell you yet again that I love you and why. You know how amazing I find you hon, how much I do value our friendship.

You are one of the most intelligent men I know, you hunger for knoweldge and chase down the answers to your questions. Even with the circumstances you find yourself in now, and with things that happened in your life before you broke, you are still one of the most compassionate people I have come across. You truly and deeply care about others and it shows in your words and actions. You are an awesome Dad!!!! Your sense of humor is, at times, silly, scathing, over the top and you, amongst all the others I know and love, are the only one consistently capable of getting a smile out of me. Physical attributes that you possess that drive me mad include your oh so kissable mouth and your beautiful, amazing eyes (there's more, but we'll keep this somewhat clean!!). You amaze me in countless ways Jake. I love you without restriction and without regard to the physical, emotional, medication or monetary issues you currently find yourself struggling with. I am greatful on a regular basis to be able to count you amongst my friends. Hang in there sweetie.

Love and Huge Hugs,

~~Becca 

Jake

I know just how you feel. I have been going threw the same things that you have been going threw. Christmas seems to bring out the worst in me. I have been depressed, getting fatter by the day, and just can’t seem to pull myself out of it. The weather down here (North Texas) is not as bad as it is up there but it is still cold enough for me to be just flat out depressing.

I know what you mean about people telling you to eat better, get out of the house, try this, and do that..... I do know they mean well but as you might say "They just don’t quite understand". Money is a big issue for me as well. I live in a house out in the country (80 miles round trip to Wal-Mart). I do have a pick-up to drive but with gas prices where they are, I have to plan out my trips to town so I can have enough money to last all month.

It’s just me and my son Kervyn (11) and he lives with me, but I do miss having a wife or girlfriend. Living out in the country It’s kind of hard to get out and mingle with the public and actually talk let alone meet a nice single lady. Other than my son the closest family member lives 250 miles away from me, so I don’t get to see mom and pops but 5 or 6 times a year, and that sucks. I wished it was more but it falls back to not enough money to drive down there all the time and there house is not even close to being wheelchair accessible for me.

As I was reading your blog I couldn’t help thinking that you sound like me. There is not a day that goes by that I ask myself, "Can I live like this for the rest of my life?" I get so sick and tired of fighting the daily things that I have to do because I am paralyzed (you know what I mean by that), and people are always telling me that God has a reason for this (I wished he would let me in on the reason).

I am not going to tell you need to do this or do that, you already know what you need to do, you’re just having a hard time doing it do to injuries or mostly money. I hate this chair and everything that goes with it, but I still get up in the mornings and tell myself it’s another day and try to make the most of it as I can. I damn sure don’t want my son to brought down to my level so I fight as hard as I can to make life as good as I possibly can for him, and I bet you do the same for your kids.

One other thing I have learned. When it’s Christmas time and it’s time to buy gifts, speed your money on your kids, your parents and friends will completely understand. If your parents and friends are anything like mine, they are happier that you’re still around to spend Christmas with them than and any store bought present.

I do wish you well and hope 2007 will be better year for the both of us.

Take care

Brian Poitevint

Hey Jake,

    I hope you're doing a little better since you wrote this. You know that we're all here for you, and we care about you. Keep that smile on your face. Hopefully I'll see you soon. Talk to you later.

~Andrea :)

Hi Jake!

Your words paint a poignant picture.  Who knows why you have to go through this.  I do wish it was easier for you and I pray for that. Your courage is amazing!

You mentioned that your are gaining weight.  Anyone that truly loves you, sees who you really are.  What's inside.  Our body is just a shell that houses our spirit, love, personality, quirks, compassion, attitude etc.  Those are the things that really matter.  That's why we can look into someone's eyes and see who they really are.  And you have the most gentle and loving eyes.  That's what people see. 

Keep the faith.  Prayers are always answered.

Love,

Marlene

Jake,

I just read your story, and I am encouraged by your bravery in all this. You seem like a good dude and my prayers are with you.

-Michael  

Jake,

 I just read your story and am amazed by your strength and perseverance.

Stay strong.  My prayers are with you. 

Hello

I am curious if anyone reads this i would like to talk to Jacob.I too am a paraplegic and i too go through some of these feelings you have.I would like to get a chance to email you if you have time.

Hope all is well bud

Joel