In creating and updating this site, I have not held back in expressing my feelings about every issue that came up other than my feelings regarding my divorce. For my two wonderful girl's sakes, I did not want to inadvertently write something that would cause tension between all of us. Well now is a first of a few things. Although this is not directly related to my feelings about my divorce, it is close.
In the two years I have been in a chair, I can say that I honestly never did regret riding my dirtbike so aggressively, until now. Autumn(my ex) told me recently that her boyfriend is moving in at the end of this month. That did not bother me in the very least, but when she went on to say that he has been really great with my girls, a knot started tightening in my stomach that hurts in a new way that I don't remember ever feeling before.
In my life, I have always tried not to envy what others had. I know that if I really want it, I can get it on my own, but this time it's different. Since I broke, I have tried my best to keep positive and optimistic in knowing I can and will be a great father to my girls. I have known there will be some things that I can't do, but I could make up for them by doing what I can do even better. This time it's different. Knowing there is another father figure out there doing things with them that I can not physically do myself brings on these new emotions that I'm not used to and I'm all tied up about it.
I know Autumn would never subject my girls to a situation involving a man that would be harmful or negative in any way to them so I should feel fine about this whole situation, but I don't. Until now, I have accepted the consequences of my actions resulting in being paralyzed. This is the first time I have said, "I hate that I can't..." I should be the one to kick a soccer ball around with them, chase them up some stairs, hike up a mountain together, etc... Now I have all these feelings of envy, regret and sorrow. I don't like it at all.
I know all I can do is to do my best at what I can do. I do see my girls more now since I have been in a wheelchair than before when I was so busy being me. Breaking my back has taught me so much about what is really important in life... the ones that love you. I will continue to do my best in guiding and loving my girls, but right now it hurts. I'll just push on like I always do and if and when my two wonderful girls read this, I can feel content in knowing they have heard my feelings regarding this issue and my love for them.
The above was written March 30th 2007. I have been neglecting to post this blog until I worked through these negative emotions on my own. In these past few months, it's become apparent to me that I will always be "Daddy" no matter what goes on at their other home with their Mother. As long as I always love and guide my two beautiful girls, I can be confident in my role as their Dad. As far as my thoughts on the other father figure, I am happy for my girls in knowing they do have him to do the things I can't do anymore. How selfish would it be to wish those experiences away from them? What it all comes down to is... I am Daddy.
Comments
Mom said:
Well, Jake, I can identify as you know. The main thing is your last paragraph -- you will always be the "daddy" doing what you can do, and you can't wish them away from what some one else can provide them. It's what I had to say over and over and over again.
You write your ideas so clearly and concisely that they pack a powerful punch of truth and understanding.
I'm always thankful the only thing you hurt was your back; you're more the intelligent, creative, loyal, caring Jake that was sometimes hidden by your outrageousness and full-throttle attitude.
Love, Mom
Marlene said:
Hi Jake!
I'm so glad that you wrote the last paragraph. It was the very message I was going to send to you.
You are right, no one can ever replace a child's Daddy.
You are so strong; you simply amaze me!
Love you, Marlene
Brenda said:
i am reading this and just getting to know you, you know very little of my situaion...BUT you are there daddy, and there father, and that is more then some children will ever know, its not whether you can kick a ball or snuggle in the recliner, its that you can love them with your whole heart 24 7 with out even a blink to the eye! Some people go through life missing out, you my friend are far from missing out!
Thomas said:
Jake, The more I read on your page the crazier it gets. We have SO much in common! In my first 1.5 yrs so far Ive lost my career, my legs and my wife. We divorced just a couple months ago but have been living separate for a good while now. I have a 5yr old daughter and a 2yr old son. I love them more than anything in the world! They are the only thing that has kept me alive. So many times I have been ready to end it and then they pop in my mind and I know that I am wrong. My daughter and I pray most nights before bed when I have them; know what she prays for 98% of the time? "God please let daddy walk again so he can..." that breaks my heart everytime. She knows me when I could walk. she misses me playing with her and chasing her around and all that. My ex has a BF... we made an agreement that before any significant other could be around our children we would have to meet and approve of who they were. I want my ex to be happy I'm glad that she found someone maybe he will be the one and maybe he wont... I have the same feelings you have regarding the other guy being that figure in MY CHILDS life. You brought up somethings that I haven't thought about. Like, him actually playing with my kids... I guess I knew in the back of my head that would happen. I never thought of it though and picturing that really kinda pisses me off! But then you said that you would not want to take the experiences away form them bc I would be being selfish. That is SO true! I know I will always be their DAD and they will always love me that way. But just like breaking our backs we have to do the best with what were given. Chairish every moment you have with them. Just be dad! you dont have to compete with this guy (I have had those thoughts, as well as giving him a beatdown! :) ) but all of that is nonsense. So we cant kick a soccer ball... nobody said they gotta be the next Mia Hamm. We can totally throw a ball play catch, color paint, play dolls(still getting used to that one). learn how to do your girls hair... crazy right? but my girl loves that I do that and paint her nails. Its all about connecting with them. Doesn't always have to be some physical thing. So whoever reads this just know that your dad or mom, and will always be and if some guy tries to push you outa that spot you just need to get him tuned up! haha :)
Thomas said:
hVnB3d Excellent article, I will take note. Many thanks for the story!
