At least 3 times a week, I dream about riding my dirtbike. I maybe have one dream a month where I'm in my chair. So, while I'm asleep, I can walk, fight, love and jump my bike like before I broke. When I wake up, my legs don't work, I can hardly defend myself, I have no sexual sensation and I certainly can't ride a bike. I don't want it to end, so I fall back asleep again and again. This happens a few times a week.
Since I broke and since I lost my love, I feel helpless, alone and hollow inside. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed anymore, but there is a definite void in the core of being. The easiest thing to deal with is the loss of my legs because I can still get around in my chair. I don't know how to explain the helpless feeling I had when I got into an argument with another guy recently. He was drunk and looking for a fight and I wanted to give it to him, but all I could do was sit and take the verbal abuse. I never felt so small in my life. The thing I miss the most is the intimacy and physical sensation of love-making. I will never have an orgasm again. That is a hell on it's own. I will never fly through the trees and sore through the air on my bike again. The feeling I got while I on my bike was more than just an adrenalin rush. I guess it was like my own type of meditation. Every concern or worry and stress was gone as I rode.
As I start my new life, I hope to fill this void with new real worldly things. I know that eventually I will let the desires for those things that I will never have again go and dream of new accomplishments and triumphs to come, but for now I have my dreams to remember a lost time.
Comments
Sheri said:
Your words flow so easily to explain your feelings. I hope this helps you find your new dreams...
Greg said:
The minute you fill the void, your life will change and you will again be fulfilled. Only this time, you have a chance to do it right. Sure, you will be fulfilled without the use of your lower body, so it will be different, but the relationships you build and dreams you follow can be developed with the knowledge of another life. Believe it or not, that is a gift. I hope some day, you will find the truth in that, actually, I know you will. It will be you who is the teacher and the inspiration.
On another note, your hardships are something that give you artistic expression that most of us do not have. Writing for example, might be something you look into while going to school. You are already good at it, and imaging what your experience will bring with some proper education.
Speaking of education, I wish I had a "real" education. Not that I need it, but it would just make me a little better. Now, you have a chance to take advantage of some education, no matter what direction you follow.
Heather said:
i met an incredible guy who is also a paraplegic and it's encouraged me to really do some research about this disability since it's a totally new world to me. i came across your site and it's so inspiring because you're so truthful and i just love it! all i wanted to say to you is that....if you believe in God, and believe that He truly sent His son Jesus Christ to earth from heaven, to ultimately die on a cross for your sins.....then to again rise to heaven where he reigns and waits for us...then my friend, i believe one day you'll be in heaven and all your hopes and dreams will be real to you. you'll be able to do everything you can't hear on earth. walk, ride, even possibly fly! but the best is that we'll reign forever with the one who created us and loves us more than anyone ever could. that's Jesus. he loves you and has an amazing plan for your life....just ask him what it is. thank you so much for being such an inspiriation....i'd love for you to write back! God Bless, heather
Thomas said:
Hey Jake! I try to tell people about my dreams sometimes too. but its hard for some to understand how real they are and how much they mean to us. Before my injury I was in the Air Force and training to cross over in the Army to be a Ranger. My accident happened the day I filed the last of my paperwork to switch over. I was riding my 1000RR back from the office to meet the kids for a BBQ when a lady decided to pull out in front of me so I know what it feels like to ride! I miss it terribly! I dream alot about getting out of bed like an able body and putting my uniform back on. Sometimes I'm already over seas kicking in some door somewhere. Then some times im just back at the beach with my daughter and son. Every time I wake up I try and move some part of my legs for a couple min. then just like every other time I just shrug it off, sit up and hop in my chair. I guess there is a fine line in being content with your situation and always wanting to walk again. Just as fast as the ability to walk was taken away, it can come back. I know you have herd some stories. If not email me and I'll tell you of some I've seen.
Check out youtube! there are videos of some guys doing sick stuff on bikes still... a couple of motocross, GP riders, and just street bikes... Don't give up hope! If you think it it can be done.
About the whole being able to get the little guys to the game situation... I am about to start a study that is all about how to get Para's to be able to blow their load again. (my doc is also a Para who has been successful in this venture) it sounds really promising and if your interested can I can keep you up with all the info! -Thomas
Thomas said:
AFACIT you\\\'ve covered all the bases with this answer!
Jay said:
I also have those dreams and they seem so real and I also wake and try to move and can't, I also try sometimes to try to go back to those dreams after waking. I have taken predcribed sleeping pills to try to sleep and dream those awesome walking dreams, but soon I realized thats all they are is dreams and how stupid and selfish I am to try to sleep alot to escape. The person I hurt doing that was the WASTED time I lost with my son. I very rarely use those pills anymore(I have a script that is 9 months old for 30 pills, no longer use them much) I realize the posts on this site are old but I hope that people come back and post. This site is a REAL eye opener and help!
through the trees and sore through the air on my bike again. The feeling I got while I on my bike was more than just an adrenalin rush. I guess it was like my own type of meditation. Every concern or worry and stress was gone as I rode.